Satan causes cavities and weight gain, too.

Thursday, October 29, 2009
By Frank Lockwood

This year’s crop of Halloween candy is demon-possessed, according to Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network.

Apparently, witches curse the sugar-filled confections before they’re shipped to grocery stores across America.

These witches, I’m guessing, are part of a Prince of Darkness job-retraining program. Thanks to the rise of compact discs and MP3 players, the devils who specialized in placing subliminal recordings on vinyl-records have been demonically down-sized. Candy-cursing pays less than record wizardry and it’s seasonal work, and much of it is farmed out to demons in Third-World countries. …

No Responses to “Satan causes cavities and weight gain, too.”

  1. Caleb Powers

    You know, Frank, it’s getting harder and harder to get a curse placed by a domestic witch. I tried to get one the other day, and was transferred to a call center in India where the witch thought “eye of Newt” was a Republican talk show.

  2. perplexed

    Well, I’m glad we cleared this up.

  3. So are the witches hired by the candy companies unionized or do they work for minimum wage? Is this seasonal employment?

  4. Ken

    Pat Robertson…that rings a bell. This is the guy that predicted several years ago that the world would come to an end in 2000…correct?

  5. Sophia Katt

    Satan is behind high-fructose corn syrup, too.

  6. so and so

    r u for real?

  7. Caleb Powers

    My understanding, to the extent I could make it out through the Bengali accent, the Indian witches are all considered part time, have no benefits, and work for less than American minimum wage. However, the few American witches left are unionized, have topnotch health care (much of it based on potions, though), dental benefits (which they desperately needed), and a great 401-k plan.

  8. kevin nodine

    your so full of bull cookies satan makes you fat and bad teeth ha ha ha there is no god and no satan get a life satan is behind fructose syrup ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not

  9. txarman

    Pat Roberson’s rep must be one of the stupid people out their.

  10. jdhog21


  11. 8 out of 10 dentists agree…

  12. Storm

    This story made me giggle but the comments were awesome. You guys made me laugh so hard I cried funny tears.

  13. Caleb Powers

    What about the two dentists who don’t agree???

  14. Lou

    Say Pat…sounds like you’re losing it. Did someone whisper to you that witches are cursing our candy…hmmmm? You’re a little flakie with that one, and losing credibility fast. Maybe you should check yourself into the nearest psycho ward, just to be on the safe side. Don’t let the witches and goblins getcha tonight, Pat. Happy Halloween!

  15. When my daughter threw up last night, we thought it was just too much candy. Now we realize that it was the demon assigned to Crunch bars. Anyone know the number of a good exorcist?

  16. Caleb Powers

    Mark, I think Fr. Van can help with that, if the demons respond to Anglican exorcisms . . .

  17. I don’t know much about exorcisms, but in this case I would suggest less candy and more exercise..

  18. Caleb Powers

    Fr. Van, would that be considered an exercism?


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